The Death of the Dregs
def: a small amount of residue
The Numbers
Posted by b on 2:47 PM
I saw the odometer speed to fifty-six then I turned into the left lane. I saw the car coming and I rammed it. The crash was crazy. I felt the whole weight of the car on my body. The seat belt cut into my chest. At first, I thought of smells. I smelt gasoline. I smelt the air freshener connected to the air conditioning vent. It reminded me of high school. It smelt like coconuts. All right, so it sucks. I sent a bunch of emails out to everyone. I just said how crappy my life was, how boring it was. I did not do much. I drank a lot, smoked too much. I had a girlfriend and everything. It was not too bad, but I got bored. I guess I really didn’t have it too bad. But honestly, things just suck sometimes and you’ve got to make choices. My choice was this. This short amount of pain, it was over way too soon. I didn’t die. Oh my fucking God. What do I do now? Should I go check on the other driver? I try and restart the car. It’s dead. I wish I were dead. What do I do, what do I do? I sit there for a while, scared. I get out of the car to check on the other driver.
“Oh God, are you ok?”
The woman doesn’t say anything. I’m so fucking scared. I look at her again. Her engine bursts into flames. I don’t know what to do. I wish that were I in her car. I try and pry open her door. She doesn’t move. I’m scared. I finally get her door open and ask myself out loud if I should pull her out or not. I decide, since the engine is burning, to pull her out. I try to do it gently, but she weighs a lot so it’s sort of strange. She tumbles out on top of me. What did I do? She doesn’t say a word and I think the worst. She’s definitely dead. I push her off of me onto the street. She lays there, face down. I stand up and stare at her. I’m so fucking scared. She’s dead, I’m not, and I’m going to jail. I roll her over. I wish I had taken a CPR class. I wish I hadn’t hit her. What the fuck was I thinking? All of a sudden, reality hits me and I have to sit. I want to cry, it’s been so long. I can’t I just sit and stare, the car engulfed in flames. I feel the heat, it’s burning my face and I don’t care. I drag her body away from the flames and fall down with her head in my lap. I stroke her hair. I wish she would move. I hear sirens approaching. Men run up and check the woman’s pulse. I look at her hands, there’s a cell phone. They ask me, they scream at me, “What happened?” I stare blankly ahead of me. Afraid. Not knowing what to do. I vomit. I’m not sure why. The smoke is choking my lungs and the paramedics give me oxygen. Everyone is going to know why I did this. Everyone is going to hate me. I killed someone. I am a murderer. I’ll never sleep; I’ll never eat again, because I ruined so many lives.
The woman was a mother of three. The tragedy seems like a movie. I can’t believe it. Everyone stares at me like I really am bad. All I wanted was a way out. All I wanted was death. I can’t believe I gave it to so many people.
Now I am in my room, wishing that I were somewhere else. The room is funny. Like a box. I feel like a present. I’m living a big lie. I’m dead inside; I’ve ruined so many little lives. The world wont be the same because of me. I hated the fact that I killed this woman so much, that now I am comforted. I set her free. I gave up my life so that she could experience eternal happiness. She has perfection and me; I’m in hell, so I guess that makes me a martyr. I don’t think this guarantees me a spot in heaven. But I bet if I kill more, if I become a murderer, a real one, I can be saved. I am now part of God’s army, bringing his followers back home. He told me he missed them, he told me he wants them back.
“Oh God, are you ok?”
The woman doesn’t say anything. I’m so fucking scared. I look at her again. Her engine bursts into flames. I don’t know what to do. I wish that were I in her car. I try and pry open her door. She doesn’t move. I’m scared. I finally get her door open and ask myself out loud if I should pull her out or not. I decide, since the engine is burning, to pull her out. I try to do it gently, but she weighs a lot so it’s sort of strange. She tumbles out on top of me. What did I do? She doesn’t say a word and I think the worst. She’s definitely dead. I push her off of me onto the street. She lays there, face down. I stand up and stare at her. I’m so fucking scared. She’s dead, I’m not, and I’m going to jail. I roll her over. I wish I had taken a CPR class. I wish I hadn’t hit her. What the fuck was I thinking? All of a sudden, reality hits me and I have to sit. I want to cry, it’s been so long. I can’t I just sit and stare, the car engulfed in flames. I feel the heat, it’s burning my face and I don’t care. I drag her body away from the flames and fall down with her head in my lap. I stroke her hair. I wish she would move. I hear sirens approaching. Men run up and check the woman’s pulse. I look at her hands, there’s a cell phone. They ask me, they scream at me, “What happened?” I stare blankly ahead of me. Afraid. Not knowing what to do. I vomit. I’m not sure why. The smoke is choking my lungs and the paramedics give me oxygen. Everyone is going to know why I did this. Everyone is going to hate me. I killed someone. I am a murderer. I’ll never sleep; I’ll never eat again, because I ruined so many lives.
The woman was a mother of three. The tragedy seems like a movie. I can’t believe it. Everyone stares at me like I really am bad. All I wanted was a way out. All I wanted was death. I can’t believe I gave it to so many people.
Now I am in my room, wishing that I were somewhere else. The room is funny. Like a box. I feel like a present. I’m living a big lie. I’m dead inside; I’ve ruined so many little lives. The world wont be the same because of me. I hated the fact that I killed this woman so much, that now I am comforted. I set her free. I gave up my life so that she could experience eternal happiness. She has perfection and me; I’m in hell, so I guess that makes me a martyr. I don’t think this guarantees me a spot in heaven. But I bet if I kill more, if I become a murderer, a real one, I can be saved. I am now part of God’s army, bringing his followers back home. He told me he missed them, he told me he wants them back.